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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27116366">Love -me-</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Vilian/pseuds/Vilian'>Vilian</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Star Wars Legends: The Old Republic (Video Game)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Carbonite Freezing (Star Wars), F/M, Family Loss, Grief/Mourning, Mild Smut, Nightmares, Nudity, Overthinking, Planet Iokath (Star Wars), Planet Nathema (Star Wars), Planet Odessen (Star Wars), Planet Rishi (Star Wars), Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Sharing a Bed, Star Wars Legends: The Old Republic Spoilers, Star Wars: The Old Republic - Echoes of Oblivion Spoilers, Star Wars: The Old Republic - The Nathema Conspiracy Spoilers, Star Wars: The Old Republic - War for Iokath Spoilers, Watching Someone Sleep</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-10-20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-05-02</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 17:35:52</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Major Character Death</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,704</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27116366</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Vilian/pseuds/Vilian</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Snapshots of The Commander musing and grieving - over her pre-carbonite life lost first, over post-carbonite loses later, and then over the more recent of events.<br/></p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Corso Riggs/Female Smuggler, Theron Shan/Female Smuggler</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>6</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. The grief</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>I've been resisting hard for years, no matter who wanted to drag me into the game. Old Republic era had never held much of a charm for me, someone who fell head over heels with Star Wars because of Rogue One - the story placed roughly 3600 years after SWTOR events.<br/>But, when I'm in need of a distraction to stay sane, I tend to become obsessive with random, accidental discoveries. Mary Russell mysteries, Silent Witness, Blindspot, Rogue One, Final Fantasy XIV, just to name a few; they are all things that I've inspected out of curiosity, to keep mind occupied. They all came into my life out of sudden and somehow all stay as major part of it. So, when I eventually got into Star Wars: The Old Republic, of course I just had to become totally, absolutely obsessed with it, smuggler's storyline in particular. And that's where this tiny thing comes from - from the need to handle all them obsessive feels that came with SWTOR gaming.<br/></p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p><em>The Commander</em> studies thoroughly purple covers crumpled against her naked body. At least, she does have a body, after being basically a dying consciousness trapped in carbonite.</p><p>She used to be just a fading mind. And a many lot of other things, <em>before the carbonite</em> and <em>after</em>.</p><p>An aspiring smuggler.<br/>
A daring privateer.<br/>
A hero to the Republic.<br/>
A bane to the Revanites.<br/>
</p><p>And there was even more. </p><p>She'd been a captain to a rusty ship and ragtag crew too. She used to have a home among the stars, with more like a family aboard than a bunch of subordinates.<br/>
She'd been a wife to Corso Riggs: a cheerful mercenary, one worshiping her every move.<br/>
And, she'd been a lover to Theron Shan: a Republic spy-boy, one understanding tough choices and sacrifices.<br/>
Both of the men were longing for her to come back to the world of living, judging by the heart-wrenching letters each had sent her at some point during past five years.</p><p>But, who is she now that she actually did come back?</p><p>The murderer of Zakuulan emperor.<br/>
The Outlander coming out of carbonite stasis for revenge.<br/>
The Commander for game-changing force in the galaxy.</p><p>So many responsibilities, so many planets and lives to save. So much is on stake that being a person of her own is pretty much a waste of energy. She could just as well have no feelings whatsoever, only the duties. She's so lucky to have two people she can cling to. They are the ones connecting her to the old life; that is, to any life at all.</p><p>One such person is Lana. The Sith has proven to be nothing but fully dependable upon. And Lana might not exactly be a friend, but she'd hard won the trust: going from a forced ally to a savior, then to a steady supporter and advisor. It is Lana's composure that keeps things from going overly heated between Alliance core members. It is the knowledge of her five years worth of efforts that keeps <em>Commander </em> from falling apart over the loss of familiar world and people near and dear.</p><p>That's the one person. And the other -</p><p>"Theron?"</p><p>"Mhm?"</p><p>Lazy sound reverberates against her back. Warm palm snakes around her waist to rest over a sun-shaped scar just below the ribs, where Arcann's lightsaber had pierced her body through. It's been an eye-opening experience for sure. Maybe Arcann couldn't kill her this way, because damaging an otherwise empty vessel doesn't really mean a thing. And if there's only a void inside, is she still a person - or just a bunch of adjectives slapped onto a flat surface, with no depth and no substance? Is there still a person beneath?</p><p>"Love me, Theron"</p><p>"I love you, Commander", he laughs into her hair.</p><p><em>Commander</em> sighs heavily. Nothing can ever be that easy.</p><p>"No, I mean - love <em>-me-</em>"</p><p>"You know I'm crazy about you. I love you. <em>-You-</em>", he emphasizes. There's no more playfulness in his voice, just sincerity.</p><p>Maybe some things can be that easy after all. Maybe she's still a person of her own, she thinks when Theron's searing kisses melt her spine away.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. The new chapter</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>The Commander is trying to deal with aftermath of Nathema events.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Again needed to sort out the game-related feels flooding my system, and again writing a story seemed the perfect way to sift through the mess in my mind. This time I've been a bit shaken after the Fractured Alliances story arc, the bumpy ride with Nathema Conspiracy as the grand finale. Logically, it's been all a poor excuse to rob the character of Gravestone and Eternal Fleet. Emotionally, it's been stomping repeatedly over my battered heart, which ended up in need of some serious mending.<br/>Also, this partially deals with emotions over an actual past relationship of mine. Probably that's why it took so long to wrap the story up, as it became a more personal matter than ever suspected.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p><em>The Commander</em> studies thoroughly purple covers crumpled against her naked body. She needs her rest desperately, but can't fall asleep with all these thoughts swirling inside her head.</p><p>So much has happened recently. Most probably she shouldn't be even called <em>Commander</em> anymore. Her own people couldn't trust her with their crucial discoveries on the enemy moves. As a result, the Alliance pretty much doesn't exist anymore, robbed of their powers. They've lost their greatest strength, the whole of Eternal Fleet along with the Gravestone. What kind of Commander does it make her, if it happened on her guard?</p><p>Theron said he did all of this to protect her. He swore to protect her at all cost. She doesn't really feel spared though. In the end, the galaxy has been saved once again by even more of pain and death taking the toll. Theron's father - dead; Republic forces - decimated; Imperial forces - also suffering loses; Zakuul - leaving Alliance for independence; her own heart - fractured because of the pressure put on her, both as <em>The Commander</em> and as her own person. </p><p>Like if there wasn't already enough of pain in her personal life. After settling down somewhat as Commander of the Alliance, after a period of sharing her ups and downs with Theron, she suddenly managed to face Corso: Corso Riggs, her husband in a different lifetime, <em>before the carbonite</em>. And the meeting, well - it went about just as awkward as expected. She loved the man, that she did, in a way. Corso used to be such a steady comforting presence, always there for her, always ready to cheer her up or shoot a way through the galaxy just for her. But, he loved an idealized image of a woman: someone she didn't know how to be, no matter how hard she'd tried. Not to mention, after separation they became almost strangers - different people, shaped by the time and events the other couldn't be a part of. She just had to end this suspended relationship, even if it was a painful move for them both. It still is a bit painful, as he did agree to join her Alliance regardless. He will understand though, if he didn't already. He will move on.</p><p>Somehow, pretty much behind Corso's back, she had already moved on. There is a relationship that has grown into one so much more meaningful and satisfying, even if also a so much more painful one. </p><p>She almost forced the proposal out of Theron's still too-pale lips. It's been so selfish of her, to demand declarations after all that they've just been through. It's been almost cruel, to make him squirm so under her sad look. And yet, how she loved him in that moment of naked truth. The superweapon destroyed, the purpose of his show served; supposedly <em>the end justifies the means</em>, so he could shrug it all off, like if nothing had happened. Yet, he knew well that the pretended treachery was just as heart-shattering for her as it has been for him. The man was genuinely, deeply sorry for all the hurt he caused by doing what he did and not sharing his plans. Of course he's been right, not saying a word was the wiser thing to do, and not because it moved her out of major harm's way. Out of all the lies, this one thing has always been perfectly true - <em>this is bigger than them</em>. With so many lives at stake, he couldn't just share the news on the Order and its plans with everybody. Still, neither he should take everything upon himself only. A small hint, a wink - she'd appreciate any sign just to know he doesn't really stomp over her heart and their once-shared ideals. And, she'd give her everything to support him all along this nearly-suicidal mission, to follow her beloved into the very hells. But then, what she would do, if she'd be the one getting the intel first? What if she'd be the one facing an impossible decision?
</p><p>She would make exactly the same choices he made.</p><p>Because, they are so very alike, inside and outside. It's been an early and very startling revelation over a mission and a couple of drinks, just how much they have in common. They share the weapon of choice - dual blasters; neither tries to hide their cybernetics; they share disregard for authorities; also, the dry sense of humor; the unyielding loyalty to friends and allies; all that, and the need to be constantly in motion, never stay too long in one place. Neither is the type of person to settle down on a farm and enjoy quiet life. The Odessen base - bustling with energy, loud with voices, full of activity to the brim - naturally and easily became true home to both. That's the place she had meant when, with whole HoloNet witnessing, she'd admitted her love for Theron and asked him to come back home. In a public display of terrible vulnerability, she had laid bare all of her hurt and - hope. </p><p>It still feels like if Nathema took her hope and, with help of the Force, made it real. Horribly destroyed planet returning to the balance, life on it starting anew: a miracle in the making. The truth revealed by Theron among that amazing greenery, a miracle meant just for her, it's been like restarting her own life too. Clinging to the smallest of hopes for so long had exhausted her mind completely, so at this point she let her heart decide instead. Lana could see clearly it had nothing to do with reason, and all - with overwhelming emotions. She did comply with <em>Commander's</em> decision. Although, no doubt the Sith would make use of her killer skills if any suspicions were to be raised again, and she'd do so no matter the orders or pleas. Yet somehow, against the odds, this one time life has won. <em>Love has won.</em></p><p><em>Love.</em> For the first time in her life, the woman feels truly loved. For the first time ever she's loved <em>for who she is</em>, not <em>in spite of it</em>. She shifts in bed to prop on her elbow and takes a long look at the man sleeping beside her - the man who loves her and almost got himself killed because of it. Theron had almost died saving the galaxy all alone, because he loves his girlfriend too much to let her share the dangers with him. They'd almost been separated forever because of the love they have for each other. It's not easy to block out the memory of him slowly crumpling to the ground after receiving a piercing stab from behind. The thought of losing Theron right after learning he had never really betrayed her, it had almost killed her then and there. That possibility still terrifies her, especially that he has not made a full recovery yet. He's still a bit too pale and has deep shadows under eyes; moves slower, gets tired faster. He still sports that ridiculous hairdo. And, he'll never get rid of the double scar right below his ribs. It's only slightly reassuring that his matches hers in both size and placement.</p><p>Still, not the last thing they have in common. Her nightmares are just as bad as his, he told her once. Since that day each have managed to earn additional burden of tragedy and pain, making the nightmares even worse. And apparently Theron still did not get in terms with guilt over some of own choices. He often is having the same dream of a never-ending chase after her, the one he described on the day of his - <em>her? their?</em> - proposal. Maybe even he's just going through it right now, seeing how the man went from stillness and silence to nervous arms twitching and mumbling under his breath. </p><p>That's not how their <em>new chapter</em> is supposed to look like. At least, not here - not home.</p><p>So the woman bows her head and tries to calm down the mind as troubled as hers with the only thing she can offer.</p><p>"I'm here, Theron. You've found me and I took you home"</p><p>He doesn't frown nor he tries to speak anymore. Yet, he doesn't relax either.</p><p>"We're home, Theron"</p><p>With a shudder the man opens eyes and gives her hovering form a long, slightly puzzled look. Then flashes that boyish smile of his, knowing perfectly well how it works on her.</p><p>"I'm sorry if I woke you up with my stupid dream. But, you still love your idiot spy boyfriend, don't you?"</p><p>"No..."</p><p>Before he has time to react in any way, she continues with a wicked smile.</p><p>"I still love my idiot spy groom-to-be. I always will. Don't you ever forget about that, even in your sleep"</p><p>A mix of shock, relief and joy is what she can see right before Theron wraps arms around her back and draws her in for a kiss.</p><p>Closeness, safety, trust - that's how the <em>new chapter</em> should look like. It's high time and perfect place to make sure that it does.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. From past into the future</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Post Echoes of Oblivion musings of The Commander.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>6.3 content update just came out, so high time to deal with the backlog of them feels, some post-6.2, some older - including the mystery of my Rishi obsession.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Purple fabric crumpled around <em>The Alliance Commander</em> is thoroughly soaked with sea water. It's getting all stiff and heavy with salt and sand. The cape requires cleaning for sure, but she couldn't care less. She loves sitting on the beach, close to water. Ocean waves of Rishi coast are so soothing. The way they softly hit her bare feet feels like a purifying touch, perfectly able to wash away everything that troubles her: the guilt, the shame, the tiredness.</p><p>Probably the woman should simply relax and be happy of her achievements. Eliminating the greatest villain in the galaxy sounds like dreams coming true for every adventurous spacer. Being accepted by her chosen one's mother sounds like dreams coming true for any person in love. And yet, there's not much pride in any of that. Not for her, not yet... if ever. Instead, she's so exhausted after way too many encounters with death. And, there's the constant guilt and shame of numerous bad choices in the most recent past. If only she could make at least some of that - just gone.</p><p>But then, <em>The Commander</em> has lost quite a bit of her past already. Because of the sudden carbonite stasis, the ties with near and dear ones had been cut abruptly. Any chance she could lose something of her current life as well - just one person of her present friends and allies - she doesn't think it possible to live with. And losing Theron, that's too heavy a thought to bear even a single time more. She could clearly see it now, the hypocrisy resonating behind her pleas for everybody to stay behind. She truly meant to keep them all safe at the Odessen base. Somehow it's been like the Order of Zildrog horror all over again, but this time it was she who's been trying to move her important people out of harm's way. But, no matter how hard she'd insist, pretty much anyone who could offer any help ended up tagging along for the ride anyway. In hindsight it's clear that only thanks to this cooperation they all could return home safe and victorious. Only thanks to this joint effort Theron didn't lose another parent.</p><p>Satele's rescue mission has summoned memories of Iokath with their full force; like if they weren't already recalled every single day. Nobody, not even the person who directly orchestrated the plot, could've suspected how tragic things on Iokath would become. There he was, Theron's father - Jace Malcom - attempting to kill her with ease of person swatting a fly. Unsuccessful, he went spewing all his hatred against her. He'd been thinking her worse than the lowest of merc scum, yelling out straight to her face how unworthy of Theron's devotion she is. And then there was Theron lashing back, ready to shoot own parent to protect his Republic-defying lover, the lowly smuggler girl. And what came up next, still haunts her days and nights. She wasn't able to stop Malcom from using the war machine powerful beyond any comprehension. Jace died on her watch, even if the clash on Iokath was part of complicated choreography meant for Order of Zildrog. She still feels so guilty, despite all of this not being a direct result of her actions. It was Republic Supreme Commander who completely gave into deep-rooted desire of wiping the Empire out, solely his own decision. Also, never granted the opportunity to get anywhere close such a powerful device, Jace could just as well be still alive - but it's Theron who had lured to the planet them leaders of three major factions, trio of pawns. It wasn't her fault, none of it. And yet, it all has happened because of her, because of Theron's desire to protect her at all costs. No wonder she wouldn't ever want to face him again if anything was to happen to his mother. No way to fail him for the second time, never ever. Does it mean though that she had tried so hard to save Satele purely out of all the wrong reasons? Like, for example, because of personal pursuit for redemption?</p><p>Regardless of motivations, Satele and most of her students were saved after all. What more, at the same time they have destroyed a seemingly immortal entity, the ex-emperor of Sith Empire and Zakuul. He's gone once and for all, defeated by a whole army of his victims and adversaries trapped in dreamscape. The weird thing is, this victorious army has been led by the sole sentient present not attuned to the Force. <em>Commander</em> is not a Force-sensitive person, she has never been one, and yet her presence turned out to be the key to victory. It all went according to Satele's plan, because apparently it all has been a part of a yet another complicated set-up. The love for secrecy is one more thing that runs deeply in the Shan family, <em>Commander</em> smirks. Even if it wouldn't change a thing, it still would be nice to know beforehand that the ex Grand Master of the Jedi Order has some ideas for the encounter. That day the Jedi woman has been full of surprises, as she had one more thing up her sleeve: the strangest welcome home party ever. Listening there to Satele's admission, one of troubled mother of a troubled son, took <em>Commander's</em> breath away. It's not often that one can hear how the partner's parent acknowledges that their child is finally in the right place, with right person and perfectly content with life. Considering how fanatically both of Theron's parents used to be devoted to their duties towards the Republic, it felt unreal to listen. It's like receiving a blessing for the future from the only person that could give it. There was nothing else to say in response than the truth - an oath on her own of <em>Commander</em>, to keep on doing what she already does with all her might: keeping Theron happy, loved and safe until their dying day.</p><p>This has taken place when, against the odds, whole rescue team made it back home, to Odessen. This is where <em>Commander's</em> home is now, and always will be. But in those happier of her dreams, she used to return to Rishi, the planet of pirates and oceans. No place is a paradise, Rishi sadly being no exception - not with its omnipresent wreckage, gang wars and slavery. But it's how she'd been the happiest <em>before the carbonite:</em> enjoying salty wind and hot sun, fighting slavers and cultists amidst tropical foliage, innocently flirting with man so different and yet so similar to her. Even the knowledge of starting something that could endanger her relation with Corso didn't dampen the thrill. Things eventually got past the point of no return with the Revanites trap, when Theron got captured. She simply rushed in with guns blazing to save the spy. Unnecessarily so, since he'd managed to free himself, and he did so in style. What a sight to behold it had been, the man heavily bruised yet so breathtakingly alive, a self-rescuing prince straight out of a holovid romance. In all her smuggling years she had never been so stunned by anyone's entrance; nor any gunfights had ever been so exciting in anyone else's company. This was a state of utter perfection. It was something meant to last shortly, but became yearned for and held in heart for years to come. Pure joy of that time kept on returning in her dreams often. The images were especially vivid when she'd been freshly out of carbonite, with nothing but a couple of heartbreaking letters as a memento of living a life. Nowadays though, there's no need to relive the memories anymore. Some things had changed, but the sun, the sea breeze, the man, it's all here - where she is, more than five years since the first visit. And, unlike with their first kiss, there's no taste of blood involved anymore. Sometimes she and Theron make themselves scarce, leaving Alliance matters to Lana and disappearing for a brief respite on Rishi. Their stays at an old pirate estate are not frequent, as there are always important tasks at hand. But even Lana understands the overworked and stressed people are no longer reliable. Every once in a while she lets <em> Commander</em> slip away with her spy boyfriend for a short vacation trip, without a single word of complaint.</p><p>Soft footsteps on sand disturb <em>Commander's</em> reverie. A couple of weeks earlier she'd already be handling the blasters and diving for cover, ready to fight for dear life in no time. Old habits die hard, especially ones keeping her alive for so many years already. She's still a bit jumpy in this sanctuary of theirs. She still reaches for weapon at unexpected visuals or any noise; this particular sound she does recognize well though. Theron's presence takes a weight off her shoulders. Everything's fine, they're both safe. Together they can make it through anything. And even if they both made some pretty risky choices just to keep the other from harm, it made them stronger together, made them safer. Regrets can only make them weary and weak, human wrecks unsuitable for dealing neither with galactic-scale issues nor with personal matters.</p><p>Lazily, clumsily, <em>Commander</em> gets up from sand just to find herself in a fierce hug. As impossible as it seems, she snuggles up even closer. Theron smells of hot sun and blaster oil, of strength and risk - but also, of home and safety. She wouldn't want things any other way: he's her love, he's her life. </p><p>
  <q>The feeling's mutual, you know</q>
</p><p>The rumble in Theron's chest she melds against means he's laughing. Shit, did she say some of those things aloud? Well, then be it. It's the truth, he should hear it as often as possible - just as often as himself admits it.</p><p>
  <q>I know, you silly man, I know</q>
</p><p>She knows, for sure. And whatever happens next, whatever's waiting back at Odessen, these feelings are not going to change. Ever.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Completely couldn't understand the reasons for which I used to travel back to Rishi just to wander around the locations, possessed with the idea of getting a stronghold there. As usual, needed to see things in writing to finally solve the riddle. It took one late night/early morning chat with a guildmate - great gamer and wise woman - and in just a couple of lines it became clear what's been going on. Apparently, in the wacko brain of mine Theron Shan and Rishi, a man and a planet, are a bundled deal: can't enjoy one without obsessing about the other just as much. No idea how could I be so dense for so long ^^' *shrugs and launches SWTOR to wander around her Rishi SH with Theron*</p>
        </blockquote><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Huge thanks to my SWTOR guild. You all handle my obsessive - paranoid - noisy - intense fangirling with lots of patience, even if with huge bits of amusement. I truly appreciate and enjoy your company 💜</p></blockquote></div></div>
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